America, brace yourselves: the Trump Regime is here, and it’s ready to Make America Great Again—this time, by confusing everyone, banning things you didn’t know needed banning, and reviving ideas so obsolete they belong in a museum (or at least a Blockbuster).
Here’s what we can expect from our new totally benevolent totalitarian government, where every policy is designed to either baffle or outright terrify the American people.
1. Declaring a State of Emergency at Borders (of Abandoned Stores)
Trump kicked things off by declaring a State of Emergency at the nation’s most vulnerable borders: shuttered bookstores. “Borders is a national treasure,” Trump announced at a press conference held in front of a vacant strip mall in Indiana. “People say books are outdated, but I say they’re great. We’ll build it back—bigger and better. Books, coffee, maybe even DVDs. Tremendous.”
Critics noted that Borders went out of business over a decade ago, but Trump waved them off, claiming, “Fake news. Borders isn’t gone—it’s just hiding, like the truth about the 2020 election.”
2. TEMU Declared a Terrorist Organization
In a bold geopolitical move, Trump officially labeled TEMU, the Chinese e-commerce platform, a terrorist organization. “I ordered a phone case, and it took two months to arrive,” Trump complained. “And the quality? Very poor. Sad!”
Under the new regime, TEMU shipments will be intercepted and ceremoniously burned outside Mar-a-Lago. Meanwhile, Trump urged Americans to shop locally—preferably at Ivanka’s new online store, Freedom Fashion.
3. “Meat Mondays” (Mandatory Carnivore Day)
Every Monday, schools and government cafeterias are required to serve steak, burgers, and bacon—exclusively. Plant-based options are banned for the day. “No tofu, no kale. Just good, old-fashioned American meat,” Trump declared, while chewing on a double cheeseburger.
4. Renaming the EPA to the “Energy Promotion Agency”
The Environmental Protection Agency will now focus on helping corporations drill, frack, and mine more efficiently. “The environment’s fine,” Trump says. “The trees will grow back. Let’s focus on the real green: money.”
5. Replacing Electric Vehicle Chargers with Gas Pumps
In a move to reclaim America’s gas-guzzling heritage, electric car chargers will be replaced by gas pumps. “Nobody wants to wait 30 minutes to charge their car,” Trump explained. “Gas takes seconds. It’s better. Everyone knows that.”
6. National MAGA Uniforms
To promote unity, all Americans will be required to wear red MAGA hats at least one day a week. For formal occasions, gold-plated MAGA lapel pins will suffice. Violators? Fined $10 and handed a copy of The Art of the Deal.
7. War on Starbucks (Because What Even Is a Grande?)
No regime is complete without a war on something completely unnecessary, and Trump has chosen Starbucks. “Grande, Venti, Tall—they all mean large. They’re tricking us, folks. It’s a scam!”
Effective immediately, Starbucks locations must replace their sizes with terms Trump finds “more American,” including: Small (Trump Tiny™), Medium (Trump Huge™), and Large (Trump Tremendous™).
The cups will also feature a required image of Trump giving a thumbs-up.
8. The Blockbuster Revival Act
Nothing screams Making America Great Again like rewinding to 1996. Trump has promised to bring back Blockbuster Video, claiming, “Netflix is for losers. Real Americans rent VHS tapes.”
The initiative will allocate billions to reopen Blockbuster locations nationwide. DVDs will be banned because “rewinding builds character.” Trump also announced a partnership with MyPillow to provide patriotic throw blankets for every couch in America.
9. Reviving Pontiac and Oldsmobile
To restore America’s “glory days,” Trump plans to bring back Pontiac and Oldsmobile. “Our cars used to be great,” Trump said while awkwardly sitting on the hood of a 1985 Cutlass Supreme. “None of this electric nonsense. Gasoline, horsepower, freedom. That’s what we need.”
Elon Musk has already expressed concern, but Trump dismissed him as “that electric car guy with the weird name.”
10. War Declared on Narnia
In perhaps his boldest foreign policy move, Trump declared war on Narnia. “We’re not sure it exists, but if it does, it’s a threat. We’re going in,” Trump said during a press briefing. “Aslan? Very overrated. People are saying I’d make a better lion.”
The military is reportedly stockpiling wardrobes in preparation for the invasion, with troops learning how to march through snow-covered forests while avoiding talking beavers.
11. Canceling NPR and PBS
Trump announced plans to replace NPR and PBS with a 24/7 channel called “Real News Network,” featuring pro-America documentaries, reruns of The Apprentice, and Sean Hannity narrating U.S. history. Sesame Street will be rebranded as Freedom Street, with Big Bird replaced by an eagle wearing sunglasses.
12. National Anthem Karaoke Contest
Trump proposes turning the National Anthem into a weekly nationwide karaoke competition, streamed live on Truth Social. Winners will receive $10,000 and an all-expenses-paid trip to Mar-a-Lago. Singers caught kneeling during their performance? Disqualified.
13. Deporting Wind Turbines
“They’re ugly, they’re useless, and they kill birds,” Trump announced. All wind turbines will be dismantled and shipped to Canada. Meanwhile, every coal plant shuttered in the last 50 years will be reopened and retrofitted with Trump-brand filters.
14. Women’s Rights... With a Doctor’s Note
In a surprising pivot, Trump declared that women will have the right to choose—but only with a doctor’s note signed in triplicate. “It’s called accountability,” he explained. “Women love me, and they’ll love this policy. Tremendous freedom, but not too much freedom.”
Protests erupted immediately, but Trump reassured everyone that Ivanka will be in charge of explaining the policy, “because she’s great with women.”
15. Children Can Work Again—It’s Their Right to Choose
To “empower the next generation,” Trump announced that children as young as eight will now have the right to work. “We’re bringing back coal mines, and kids love playing in the dirt. Why not make it productive?” Trump said.
Trump framed this as a “win-win” for parents, adding, “They’ll finally stop asking for money to buy Robux.”
16. Weekly Presidential Speeches on the Home Shopping Network
All presidential addresses will now be broadcast exclusively on the Home Shopping Network. Trump plans to sell everything from MAGA-themed Christmas ornaments to gold-plated steak knives.
“These speeches aren’t just about politics—they’re about deals,” Trump explained. “And no one makes better deals than me. Buy one steak knife, get the second half-off. It’s the art of the deal, folks.”
17. Banning the Metric System
Effective immediately, the metric system is outlawed. “Kilometers, liters, Celsius—it’s all foreign garbage,” Trump said. “We’re sticking with feet, gallons, and good old Fahrenheit. The rest of the world can catch up.”
Scientists protested, but Trump dismissed them as “nerds.”
18. Defunding Vegan Restaurants
Under the Trump administration, vegan restaurants would lose tax benefits. “You want to sell carrot patties and oat milk? Fine,” Trump said. “But not on my dime.”
19. Turning the Statue of Liberty into Trump Tower Liberty
Trump plans to rebrand the Statue of Liberty as a Trump-branded hotel and observation deck. “She’s a little old and outdated,” Trump said. “We’ll give her a facelift, add a gold crown, and put a steakhouse in the base. Everyone wins.”
20. Banning Avocado Toast
To "save Millennials from themselves," avocado toast will be banned nationwide. Instead, breakfast menus must feature scrambled eggs, bacon, and Wonder Bread. “Nobody needs $15 toast,” Trump declared. “Spend that money on something useful—like a MAGA hat.”
21. Requiring "USA" Chant Practice in Schools
Every morning, instead of the Pledge of Allegiance, students will engage in 10 minutes of synchronized chanting: “U-S-A! U-S-A!” Teachers will also grade students on enthusiasm and volume.
22. Turning the Grand Canyon Into the "Greatest Theme Park"
Trump’s plan for the Grand Canyon? A giant Trump-branded rollercoaster called The YUGE Drop that runs across the rim. The rest of the canyon will be converted into a luxury golf resort and casino.
23. The Space Force Will Colonize Mars—But Only for Republicans
The Space Force’s new mission? Colonizing Mars, but with a catch: only registered Republicans are eligible for the first wave of settlers. “Democrats can have the Moon,” Trump sneered.
Mars will feature gold-plated domes, Trump-branded oxygen tanks, and a casino called “Red Planet Resorts.”
Trump declared that his son, Baron Trump, will be the first person to set foot on Mars.
24. Patriotic Loyalty Pledge Before Every Netflix Episode
Before streaming an episode on Netflix, viewers must watch a 60-second patriotic pledge video featuring an eagle soaring over Mount Rushmore while Trump narrates the Constitution. “People need to earn their entertainment,” Trump said.
25. Mandatory Guns in Every Home
Taking the Second Amendment to the next level, Trump will propose requiring every household to own at least one firearm. “You never know when you’ll need to protect your freedom—or your remote control,” he said.
26. Replacing Traffic Lights with American Flags
Traffic lights? Too socialist. Instead, intersections will now feature rotating American flags to indicate when drivers should stop, yield, or go. “It’s patriotic and efficient,” Trump said. “Green means go, red means MAGA.”
27. A New National Motto: "Make America First Again"
E pluribus unum? Too Latin. The official motto will now be, “Make America First Again,” plastered on everything from currency to the back of milk cartons. For international use, Trump suggests: “America’s #1, Deal With It.”
28. An Official National Trump Day
Every June 14th (Trump’s birthday) will be a federal holiday, complete with parades, fireworks, and complimentary burgers. Libraries will display mandatory Trump biographies, and school curriculums will include Apprenticeship Studies.
29. Mandatory Flags on All Cars
Every car in America must display at least one American flag. Convertibles? Two flags minimum. The fines collected from non-compliance will fund the construction of a new national monument: a 300-foot gold-plated statue of Trump.
Final Thoughts: Welcome to the Twilight Zone
Under Trump’s new regime, America is poised to enter a golden era—at least for those who understand VHS tapes, enjoy coffee in three standardized sizes, and don’t mind a wardrobe-based war with Narnia.
For everyone else? Buckle up. It’s going to be a tremendous ride, full of head-scratching policies, nostalgic revivals, and declarations of war on mythical creatures.
As Trump himself said, “America’s never been better. Trust me, folks. The elves are jealous.”