Dear Annie: Is it rude to recline your seat without warning on flights? (2025)

Dear Annie: On a recent cross-country flight, I had an uncomfortable experience that left me wondering about basic airplane etiquette. I was seated in coach, where space is already tight, when the person in front of me reclined their seat all the way back—immediately after takeoff, without a word. Suddenly, my tray table was inches from my chest, my laptop was nearly unusable, and I could barely move.

I understand that seats are designed to recline, and technically people have the right to use that feature. But in such cramped quarters, it feels inconsiderate not to at least glance back or give a quick heads-up. It wasn’t mealtime, and the cabin lights were still on, so it wasn’t like they were trying to sleep; they just stayed reclined for most of the flight.

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to start a conflict, but I was frustrated the whole time.

Is it rude to fully recline your seat without warning? And what’s the polite way to handle it if you’re the one feeling squished behind them?

—Feeling Crushed in 23B

Dear Feeling Crushed: Ah yes—the dreaded “coach class recline,” where one person’s comfort becomes another’s claustrophobia. Just because the seat can lean back doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to turn it into a La-Z-Boy without warning.

Common courtesy should still apply at 30,000 feet. A quick glance or a polite, “Mind if I recline a bit?” isn’t hard—unless, of course, someone checked their manners with their luggage.

If you’re behind them, it’s OK to speak up—kindly. A calm, “Hey there, I’m a bit cramped back here. Any chance you could ease up just a little?” might do the trick.

Dear Annie: Years ago, I was in a relationship where setting healthy boundaries led to terrifying consequences. What began as emotional manipulation escalated into threats that I now realize were attempts to make me fear for my life. I wanted to believe he was just trying to scare me—that deep down, he didn’t mean it—but my children saw the truth before I could admit it. He proved them right.

I learned the hard way that reasoning with an abuser is like reasoning with a captor. The kindness after cruelty—the so-called “honeymoon phase”—is just another tool of control. Behind the promises and apologies is someone who knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s not misunderstanding. It’s not confusion. It’s a choice.

What finally saved me was staying quiet and appearing to be submissive while carefully planning my exit without a single warning. I documented everything. I cut all ties. And yes, I lost people—even mutual friends and, painfully, some connection with my children, who were manipulated into choosing sides. But I survived. I am free and happy now.

How can someone in an abusive relationship stop hoping for change, stop trying to reason with someone who is intentionally cruel, and instead start taking real, quiet steps toward safety and freedom, especially when children are involved?

—Tips for Escape

Dear Tips for Escape: Thank you for your letter. You offer powerful insight into what you went through, and your courage in sharing it will help others feel less alone.

The truth is, not all abusive situations are the same, and the most important thing anyone in that position can do is seek professional help. A domestic violence hotline can be a critical first step toward safety and support.

If you haven’t already, I also encourage you to work with a therapist to help you process the trauma you’ve carried after so many years of abuse.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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